Changing The Thought "I Hate My Life"

This morning when I woke up, I did what I have been doing the last few mornings: I chose the thought "Life is good" to replace my morning default "I hate my life."

This is a vulnerable confession. This is part of my journey since losing my daughter. Choosing this new thought each morning is a challenge, but it definitely is helping me face each day more fully.

I know from experience and from my studies that all-out positive thinking doesn't really help—and can even harm—if you don't believe what you're thinking. Trapping your true feelings beneath pretty thoughts leaves grief and pain crying silently in the depths of your soul like neglected or abandoned children.

But substituting one partially-believed thought ("I hate my life") with a more positive partially-believed thought ("Life is good") can shift our focus and feelings in a self-nurturing way without denying our present reality.

It is painful for me to think "Life is good." How can life be good without Caety? How can life be good when I have lost my precious child? How can life be good when she did not get to continue living here, where she enjoyed so much of this world?

Yet I know there is a glimmer of truth in "Life is good." Family, friendships, caring for others, giving and receiving love—these are all still part of my life, and they are good.

So I step forward on that truth, that chosen thought, wincing with discomfort and effort, like someone learning to walk again as they heal from a hundred broken bones.  ♥    

The day after I wrote the above—before I even had a chance to post it—grief suddenly dropped me into a hole so dark I couldn't even see the glimmer of truth in "Life is good." 

I slept as much as I could (the only way I felt relief), cried a lot, and breathed through the intense pain in body, mind, and heart.

Eckhart Tolle says to accept everything—even to accept that you cannot accept. Some days I cannot accept the way life is. At those times, I accept that I cannot accept. No sense beating yourself up for not being able to stand.

Six days later, I am able again to awaken this morning and tentatively tell myself "Life is good."  ♥    


Photo: Caety, Stephen, and Ryan, July 2011

Life is good Beach Wave Heart T-Shirt (Pacific Blue)

I Wake Up Depressed Every Morning

[Originally posted on Bubblews March 5, 2014]

I wake up depressed every morning. If you have read many of my posts, you probably know that there are reasons for me to feel depressed. That's part of why I don't write more than one post per day on average. Sometimes it takes all day for me to start to feel good enough to put together a coherent piece of writing. Right now it is 11:37 AM and I am struggling to write this, as I am still very much in that dark place. I could've just waited to write like I usually do, but I'm trying something different right now in this moment - writing from the darkness and deep sadness and despair. Tears spring up now and I can't see the words I type.

It has gotten even worse this week because my ex-husband wants to sell the house where I live, the house where we (mostly I) raised our children. The last 20 years of Caety's life were in this house. Her pink-walled bedroom is here, left almost exactly the same as it was the day she went into the hospital never to come home again. I sit here typing at the kitchen table, directly across from the chair where she sat and ate and took hundreds of pills and remedies every day. The daybed in the family room calls up memories of her lying there asking me for a back rub to ease her pain. When I look out at the backyard, I can still see her sitting there on the hill on a blanket, reading a book or gazing at the sky or a rabbit, feeling moments of peace and joy in nature. I miss her so much.  ♥

Photos of our backyard taken by Caety, May 2012, six months before she died. From her Facebook album titled "My Lovely Garden."

Related:

10 Reasons I Don't Write 10 Posts Per Day
I Wrote A Poem Today And Cried

Be Brave ~ My Bravelets Story And An Offer For You

Last year shortly after Caety died, a Facebook friend who I have never met in person, Katarina Phang, expressed her compassion and desire to comfort me by telling me she wanted to buy me something special for Christmas. She asked me what I would like.

I had just happened to see Bravelets advertised on Facebook, and knew at once that I would love to have one of these beautiful bracelets inscribed with the words "Be brave" as a reminder to me to be brave and to "be okay" the way Caety wanted me to be.

Also, $10 of the purchase price would go toward research and help for people battling cystic fibrosis, so this was the perfect gift for me. Katarina ordered the purple CF Bravelet, and I have worn it almost every day since the day it arrived. I never leave the house without wrapping it around my wrist. It feels like a connection to Caety.

I also decided to buy a CF Bravelet last Christmas for each of my other children - Ryan, Stephen, and Robyn. Robyn's is just like mine, and the guys have the men's style bracelet. There is a new style available especially for young children too.

Last week I received an email from the Bravelets company telling me about their brand new independent consultant program and asking if I was interested in this new approach they are taking to getting the word out about Bravelets. I immediately said yes! It's a product AND a mission that I can stand behind 100%.

If you or someone you know need a tangible reminder to BE BRAVE, and you want to support an important cause that is near and dear to your heart, please take a look at www.bravelets.com where you can order a Bravelet for any of over 160 causes. Using the coupon code mel007 will give you a 10% discount, and will also give me credit for the sale. And $10 per Bravelet will go to support your cause.

Thank you for your support and for caring about the lives of people who are suffering, whether it's cystic fibrosis, Alzheimer's, abuse, Crohn's, cancer, multiple sclerosis, or any other serious struggle. Please share this page with your friends who might like Bravelets, too.  ♥

More about my journey with grief: I Wrote A Poem Today And Cried

Of Course I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Ever since my daughter died last November I have alternated between periods of intense pain and desperate distraction. It has taken me this long to even say or write the word "died." It sounds too final and real. I don't really know how to go on.

So of course I don't know what I'm doing.

If you've read my long and meandering blog post from July you know that I want to write about Caety. I still feel like part of my purpose is to finish the book I started writing the day she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at three months old. And I want to share her writing with the world as well.

But I can't bring myself to enter that dark space.

So I distract myself with TV shows new and old, and write about other things, occasionally slipping in a word or two about my much-missed daughter because sometimes it just leaks out.

Most recently, a piece that started out innocently enough - Friday Favorites: What Movies Do You Love And Why? - quickly turned into a mini memorial. I should've seen it coming. Luckily, the tagline of the site I'm writing on lately is Speak Freely. Write Your World. That works for me.

So, since I am distracting myself with writing on this new addictive platform, I thought I'd share some of my latest work with readers of my blog (all eight of you).

Those of you who are writers or fans of earning money at home might be interested in these essays about my new adventure as a Bubbler (yes, you read that right):

Learning My Audience On Bubblews (And Other Thoughts About Writing)

It Takes Me Forever To Write A Bubblews Post

Sunday Share: Two Pin-Worthy Pages


I've also written several articles about relationships. Here are some of my favorites:

The Get A Good Relationship List

Relationship Ready And Receiving The Gifts Of The Wait

Do Women Really Have Too Much Masculine Energy Or Is It Something Else?

The complete list of all my Bubblews posts so far can be found here. If you're interested in writing for Bubblews, too, and want to help me earn twenty whole cents, you can use my referral link.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know.  ♥

Photo by Ryan Myer. All rights reserved.