I Wake Up Depressed Every Morning

[Originally posted on Bubblews March 5, 2014]

I wake up depressed every morning. If you have read many of my posts, you probably know that there are reasons for me to feel depressed. That's part of why I don't write more than one post per day on average. Sometimes it takes all day for me to start to feel good enough to put together a coherent piece of writing. Right now it is 11:37 AM and I am struggling to write this, as I am still very much in that dark place. I could've just waited to write like I usually do, but I'm trying something different right now in this moment - writing from the darkness and deep sadness and despair. Tears spring up now and I can't see the words I type.

It has gotten even worse this week because my ex-husband wants to sell the house where I live, the house where we (mostly I) raised our children. The last 20 years of Caety's life were in this house. Her pink-walled bedroom is here, left almost exactly the same as it was the day she went into the hospital never to come home again. I sit here typing at the kitchen table, directly across from the chair where she sat and ate and took hundreds of pills and remedies every day. The daybed in the family room calls up memories of her lying there asking me for a back rub to ease her pain. When I look out at the backyard, I can still see her sitting there on the hill on a blanket, reading a book or gazing at the sky or a rabbit, feeling moments of peace and joy in nature. I miss her so much.  ♥

Photos of our backyard taken by Caety, May 2012, six months before she died. From her Facebook album titled "My Lovely Garden."

Related:

10 Reasons I Don't Write 10 Posts Per Day
I Wrote A Poem Today And Cried

Be Brave ~ My Bravelets Story And An Offer For You

Last year shortly after Caety died, a Facebook friend who I have never met in person, Katarina Phang, expressed her compassion and desire to comfort me by telling me she wanted to buy me something special for Christmas. She asked me what I would like.

I had just happened to see Bravelets advertised on Facebook, and knew at once that I would love to have one of these beautiful bracelets inscribed with the words "Be brave" as a reminder to me to be brave and to "be okay" the way Caety wanted me to be.

Also, $10 of the purchase price would go toward research and help for people battling cystic fibrosis, so this was the perfect gift for me. Katarina ordered the purple CF Bravelet, and I have worn it almost every day since the day it arrived. I never leave the house without wrapping it around my wrist. It feels like a connection to Caety.

I also decided to buy a CF Bravelet last Christmas for each of my other children - Ryan, Stephen, and Robyn. Robyn's is just like mine, and the guys have the men's style bracelet. There is a new style available especially for young children too.

Last week I received an email from the Bravelets company telling me about their brand new independent consultant program and asking if I was interested in this new approach they are taking to getting the word out about Bravelets. I immediately said yes! It's a product AND a mission that I can stand behind 100%.

If you or someone you know need a tangible reminder to BE BRAVE, and you want to support an important cause that is near and dear to your heart, please take a look at www.bravelets.com where you can order a Bravelet for any of over 160 causes. Using the coupon code mel007 will give you a 10% discount, and will also give me credit for the sale. And $10 per Bravelet will go to support your cause.

Thank you for your support and for caring about the lives of people who are suffering, whether it's cystic fibrosis, Alzheimer's, abuse, Crohn's, cancer, multiple sclerosis, or any other serious struggle. Please share this page with your friends who might like Bravelets, too.  ♥

More about my journey with grief: I Wrote A Poem Today And Cried

Of Course I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Ever since my daughter died last November I have alternated between periods of intense pain and desperate distraction. It has taken me this long to even say or write the word "died." It sounds too final and real. I don't really know how to go on.

So of course I don't know what I'm doing.

If you've read my long and meandering blog post from July you know that I want to write about Caety. I still feel like part of my purpose is to finish the book I started writing the day she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at three months old. And I want to share her writing with the world as well.

But I can't bring myself to enter that dark space.

So I distract myself with TV shows new and old, and write about other things, occasionally slipping in a word or two about my much-missed daughter because sometimes it just leaks out.

Most recently, a piece that started out innocently enough - Friday Favorites: What Movies Do You Love And Why? - quickly turned into a mini memorial. I should've seen it coming. Luckily, the tagline of the site I'm writing on lately is Speak Freely. Write Your World. That works for me.

So, since I am distracting myself with writing on this new addictive platform, I thought I'd share some of my latest work with readers of my blog (all eight of you).

Those of you who are writers or fans of earning money at home might be interested in these essays about my new adventure as a Bubbler (yes, you read that right):

Learning My Audience On Bubblews (And Other Thoughts About Writing)

It Takes Me Forever To Write A Bubblews Post

Sunday Share: Two Pin-Worthy Pages


I've also written several articles about relationships. Here are some of my favorites:

The Get A Good Relationship List

Relationship Ready And Receiving The Gifts Of The Wait

Do Women Really Have Too Much Masculine Energy Or Is It Something Else?

The complete list of all my Bubblews posts so far can be found here. If you're interested in writing for Bubblews, too, and want to help me earn twenty whole cents, you can use my referral link.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know.  ♥

Photo by Ryan Myer. All rights reserved. 

A Balm For Our Home (A Winter Homeschooling Story)

(Winter Wonderland photo by Ryan Myer)

February 1996 found the inside of our home as blustery as the snowy wind outside.

My 8-year-old daughter's cystic fibrosis had taken a turn for the worse and our time was consumed with administering treatments and medications and hashing out insurance problems on the phone. My 5-year-old responded to the chaos with daily temper tantrums, and my 3-year-old constantly cried and begged to be held. In the midst of this storm I was trying to homeschool.

We can't get behind, I exhorted myself. Our math program called for daily drills, our spelling workbook demanded a page a day, our terrific science curriculum required frequent nature walks with detailed journal entries and research, the planaria we were raising had to have their water changed daily, and our engaging history unit studies were full of elaborate projects. We had to keep learning, keep doing. Not only because it was good and right, but because we lived in Pennsylvania.